I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
