I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
