I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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