i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize