Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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