I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
