two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
