chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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