i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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