fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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