I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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