when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I could make wine with my vomit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize