Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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