im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
