God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
