Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
