then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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