No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
