i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
