she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
