Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
