My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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