I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
