You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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