I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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