Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
