Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
