She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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