So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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