The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
