i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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