i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
