i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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