You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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