Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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