If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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