The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
