Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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