My sheets look like a crime scene.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
