Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
