i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
