I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
