Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
