she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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