I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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