I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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