What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
