Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
