i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
