I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
