in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize