Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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