I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize