you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
