Since when is my name a synonym for head?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
