i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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