The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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